This is Life!

A  friend of mine once told me that no matter how harsh the storm was, the sun was always shining up above it.  Some days I seem to get caught in the storm and forget that the sun is up there shining.  Today was one of those days.

I first felt grumpy when Wes came home to exercise.  Yesterday he had mentioned working out with me--maybe walking with me--because his shins were sore.  I was excited that we would have time to talk and was looking forward to it.  Things changed when I woke up to see a rainy day.  I decided to do a yoga workout (PX-90 yoga and it's a real workout) instead of walking or jogging. I hoped Wes would do it with me.  But when he got home and I told him that since it was raining I was doing yoga, he said he was going to go running.  In the rain.  Without me.  I was depressed. 

At 11 I had an appointment with my doctor.  Since June I've been having eczema, dermatitis and acne problems on m face.  I never had these problems as a teen and all I can say is, I'm glad it's now and not then.  I hate it.  It's so discouraging to wake up and look in the mirror and see lots of red bumps and sores.  Ughh! 

And  my day progresses:

The Dr. tells me I have some kind of dermatitis that will probably be a struggle on and off forever.  She gives me a cream.  Then she tells me that I also have  staph on my face and gives me an antibiotic.  After that we talk about my fibromyalgia.  I have so many health problems and pains: joint pain, muscle pain, headaches, irritable bowl syndrome, yeast infections, carpal tunnel syndrome, insomnia--usually due to pain, restless leg syndrome . . . the list goes on.  I don't usually complain or say anything to people.  Most people see me as a relatively healthy individual.  A prime example-- the nurse checking me in and taking my stats exclaims on how healthy I am compared to all the other people she's been checking in:  I have an amazing blood pressure, heart rate; I'm only slightly over- weight (is that a compliment?); I've rarely been sick; I'm pretty fit . . . thank you nurse.

The good news--I'm going to live until I'm 90!

The bad news--I'm going to feel like garbage every single one of those days.  And no one looking at me is going to be able to tell I'm in agony. 

My doctor, who isn't the one who diagnosed me with fibro 10 years ago, looks at all my history, listens to my concerns, does some of her own tests and says, "You definitely have fibromyalgia.  We don't really know much about it.  No one understands what it really is.  And your list of concerns is so long, you're going to  have to schedule another appointment and come and see me again.  Then we can talk about some more of your symptoms."

She orders 4 drugs for me, two for my face and two for fibromyalgia.  She says that if they don't work we'll try something else.  I'm a guinea pig.  And I don't want to be on a lot of drugs.  Drugs that might help.

Prescriptions and copay: I spend $75 on medical today.  I should be thankful that I have good insurance, but it still cuts a hole in our budget.  How am I supposed to make another appointment and go back?  I'm already broke!

Wes calls to tell me he loves me.  He listens to me cry. He tells me to go buy some new lipstick (because I have to throw away all my old makeup and start over).  He thinks this will cheer me up.  And even though I hate shopping and make-up, I'm grateful for his kindness.

When I get home, Mckay has been home for 10 minutes.  He wants to know why I didn't leave him a note telling him where I was.  He says he missed me.  He hugs me.  He unloads the groceries I stopped to get.  He is silly and makes me laugh. 

Ryanne calls from school to tell me that, of her own accord and without prompting, she stayed after school to finish a biology lab she missed yesterday because of her water polo game.  I'm impressed.  She's becoming more and more responsible.

 Leah gets home and tells me about a silly conversation she had with her friends.  Then she says, "Well, if I'm going to play outside before it gets dark, I better get my homework done."  And off she goes. 

Elias gives me a big Elias hug.

I may feel cloudy, stormy, even a bit like thunder.  The day has been grey.  But I see that sun shining in the people around me that love me.  I know that despite the storm, the sun is shining.  And maybe, just maybe, it'll be okay to live to 90; the pain of the body can't quite overcome the love of the hearts that surround me.